Actors often struggle with insecurities since we tend to “outsource” our “resources.” As a linguist, I also realized how interesting it is to see these two words next to each other: “out-and re-source.” Now that I pointed that out, You may also get a deeper understanding of what is maybe happening beyond the surface: We tend to measure and weigh our success with the success of our work which is based on the audience's applause, journalists' criticism, number of followers, current star meter rank on IMDb, and the list goes on. These things inevitably generate self-doubt and make our self-critical inner voice louder from time to time. Let me share with you a little story of mine about how I used to censor myself and how I overcame my unfounded self-doubts and insecurities:
In 2015 I went through a horrible personal trauma and felt terrible. I was ashamed of what happened to me, even if I had nothing to be ashamed of as I was a victim. My family was very supportive, and I also got into therapy for a while, but I needed more help. I realized I could not load any more weight on my family or my therapist, but I needed to “outsource”-meaning to release- the past events and write them out. I subconsciously needed to connect with people who had experienced similar situations and felt hurt by the same phenomenon. I joined some online groups, but since I am known in my country, I had a tough time about what to do to connect with people to whom I could admit and confess my truth, but at the same time avoid being featured in the gossip magazines. Ultimately I decided to write and launch a blog -anonymously.
I remember the day I pressed the “go live” button on my anonymous blog about emotional abuse, secretly hoping that no one would ever know f it never generated traffic. :) Less than a month passed by when I got my first message from a girl in her twenties suffering from severe symptoms of emotional abuse. I replied - anonymously. I feared that if she learned who was behind the website, she’d have mixed ideas and preconceptions about me and the authenticity of my deep understanding of her situation. We soon realized there are many - mainly girls- in our shoes in Hungary. The two of us opened a Facebook group that, even if it got hacked once, soon became the no. 1 reference on this particular topic with my website behind it. There is no need to tell how much confidence it gave me and how reassuring it was to learn that my advice matters not only because I am a famous person but also because of the content I was giving them. It was a revolutionary feeling to re-discover my self-worth as a natural person and validate my thoughts without self-censorship. When I stopped self-censoring, magic happened, and thousands of people in need found help, advice, and comfort by reading my content online. Here goes my self-censorship!